My first memory was of being at the Llikai Hotel in Waikiki

The Human Experience

My first memory was of being at the Llikai Hotel in Waikiki. I was wearing a white dress with red flowers, white shoes, and crazy lacy socks. The hotel was on the beach. I looked at the water and thought, “Oh, that is water.” I sensed it was full of life and magic. I was about three years old. It is funny how as a child I was unable to express what I felt then, but now I have the memory.

It was not that I felt I belonged in it. I knew the ocean was a part of me. And I felt how beautiful it was. I did not have to look. I could feel the beauty of the sea inside of me.

As a kid, I felt I always had to be near and in water. But now it is always around me. As I grew up, there were times when I needed to get away from my family, out of society, and being in the water was the only peaceful place.

Whenever I would get upset about something and could not get near the ocean, I would fill up the tub and get in and just soak until I was wrinkled. I sometimes fell asleep in the tub. There is no way of saying how long I was there. Sometimes just my nose and mouth were above the water.

Now, wherever I am I can hear the ocean. I hear different ocean sounds depending on my mood. Sometimes there are rolling waves coming in and other times the water sounds like a stream with water bubbling. In this moment there is a calm even flow, no wind, no current but an ebb and flow that feels really nice.

Even so, I need to be near water. I do not need to get into it, just be near it. I do not think a stream or river would quite do it for me. They are not deep enough. They do not have the depth that my spirit needs. I draw energy from water to balance myself. It is an inner connection. I think I would start to feel a kind of nervous tension like drinking too much coffee if I lived near only a stream or a river.

Once a Feng Shui person told me that I have too much water around me. He said, You have so much water you should sleep in a metal bed. And he said I should change the kind of colors I wear because I am too much water; my output consists of too much emotion. But I like blue. I am still going to wear blue. He was treating me as if I needed the kind of balance he needs. He did not have a clue about what I need for balance and harmony. The Feng Shui master told me not to wear black or blue as those colors represent the ocean and my watery disposition. He said I needed metal to counter my overly emotional state.

I remember dreaming as a child that fairies would come and I would fly with them. These dreams would stay with me during the day after I woke up. In the dreams, it was not like flying in the air. It was more like moving through water, but the water was thicker like a gel. I recall the light orbs and the small figures flitting around.

In the gel, there is no bottom. There is no top. There is just this gel. It is not wet and it is not dry. And you just make your way though that and you can do whatever you want. And everything is beautiful.

The colors are so much brighter than anything we see here. And everything has energy. Everything has an aura. This table has that and the trees. The air itself has an aura. I felt the heartbeat of the trees and wondered why they beat so slowly. In everything, there is a rhythm of life pulsing.

I do not know if what I saw were fairies. They were little, sometimes just traces of light. They flew along next to me. I really like thinking they were fairies.

But these days I am too busy to pay attention to them. But I keep getting messages that I should pay attention because they have things to tell me.

As a child, I began keeping rocks, crystals, and pieces of glass. These things are not valuable to other people. But these were my toys. These are things I treasure—like you can see a whole different world in a piece of broken glass. I like these shiny things and also jewelry.

When I was a child and we went camping others used to use flashlights at night walking through the woods, but I did not always use one. I could usually see fine in the dark. When we walked on the rocks on the Big Island at night I used to walk barefoot and these are sharp, volcanic rocks. We would camp by the shore on the rocks by the sea. I was the only one who would go with my father and he would wear sandals and I would go on the rock in bare feet in the dark and I would find my way. And sometimes I could not see but even so I could tell when it was safe to take a step.

The most magical time was at a place called Maku'u on Hawai'i. That is the place where I learned from my dad how to trust the moon, I guess, or my inner guidance. All this stuff was not put into words so it is hard to describe the process of learning. Maku'u is where I learned that I was more clumsy wearing slippers as I maneuvered on the sharp and sometimes slippery rocks. Also, a flashlight was more of a hindrance than a help in the darkness as we had to scale rocks and brace ourselves for waves that rolled in.

There is where I learned that I did not always have to see in order to move through the dark. I still have night vision. When I work with the computer, I do not need light and I dim it down as far as it will go. This is because I sense light all around me. Actually I like to sit in the dark in bed with all the lights out.

My father was very intuitive. He taught me a lot as a child, but he was very quiet in his knowledge. He was constantly spending time by the ocean whether he went in or not. He taught me how to dive. We would go free diving. But we did not really get along at that time. I wish we had more moments by the ocean. In hindsight, I realize that I did not pay attention well enough to the quiet lessons being conveyed.

He does herbal healing. He goes to the forest to gather herbs. He does not know the names of the plants, but he can get rid of rashes, stop bleeding, and take care of swelling. He will go to the forest and pray and he receives a message that it is okay to enter. He will draw plants for me and tell me what they are good for. You could say he is a natural born shaman.

Occasionally as a child I had out-of-body experiences. For example, I would meet my grandmother who had died. When she was alive, we always had a good time together. She taught me a lot. My grandmother and I would meet in our dreams. She was still alive at the time.

Then and now she comes and gives me advice. She helped me through my divorce. We even have our little arguments.

But I do not hear her speaking to me with her voice. I hear here with my mind. Or I will see a part of her like her hands and I will know what she means. Sometimes she communicates to me through a smell that carries a message. She can be quite bossy.

At certain times of the year she will come and tell me that I have to make a certain food, because she misses that. But she is not unhappy where she is. She is growing in her own way.

And I cook like her. My mother says I have her gift because I can put together a big dinner and it is just me cooking.

The crazy thing about this is that I do not believe in death. It is just leaving the body and moving on to another place. We do not die. We just use these bodies as vessels for our human experience.

People are afraid of the unknown. That is why they fear death. At the same time I think for me there is apprehension about the unknown, but I also know that it will be okay. It is just another experience. It is good to acknowledge the fear. But if you sit in the fear then you cheat your self of the experience.

I live half-way in this world that I am describing now and half-way in the world that exists around us which I have to function in for my business. I have aches from being a part of two worlds because I am sometimes torn between them. So I am trying to find that balance.

There are some things I do which I am surprised that others can not do. For example, if you flip a coin, put it on your wrist, and look at or if you are dealt a hand of cards and look at them, I often know what you know. There are times when I try to be fair and do not look. But if I try too hard to look, that blocks my vision. I see the coin or the cards through your eyes. But it would never occur to me to use this ability as a way of gaining an advantage over someone else.

Basically, for me everything is energy. I sense the world that way. The energy is in the waves and the waves create a “vapor.” The vapor is like when you stand in the rain and it is not quite raining--a light drizzle. It is soothing and that is what I want to receive—gentle, tender energy flowing. But when I share energy it turns into light.

I remember one time when I was young that I got angry at someone. I flicked my wrist and the person fell down. It could have been a coincidence, but I realized immediately that injuring someone would not make me feel good. So I learned to send this other kind of energy to others.

Still, there are a few people who get dizzy just being around me or talking to me. Their sense of balance is thrown off. Like the Feng Shui person, they are not used to people who have strong water in their auras. In water, gravity and up or down are not so important.

Sharing energy is like breathing for me. It is spontaneous. I may share energy with just about anybody. I can look across the street and I will think, Oh, that person needs energy and I will send it and it ends up as a color. It comes out as like both a wave of energy and as light. I do know that the energy, if accepted and used, can increase whatever it is that person requires in that moment.

If you put me in the ER at a hospital I would zap everybody. And the energy would change into a different color for each person. The color is the energy that resonates for that particular individual.

And sometimes if I realize someone is low on energy, I will give a particular color. But usually it is a subconscious thing and afterwards I look and see what color was sent.

Yellow for example means the person is striving for higher consciousness. Green relates to healing. Blue is communication.

Violet is healing and the need for tranquility. I remember now where I got the color information from. I went to a class that explained the importance of color and what different colors represent. The teachings resonated with me, however, I am limited in the way I use colors.

The color depends on the individual. And sometimes you can tell when they are not accepting the energy because it turns muddy. But that is okay. Other times, there is no color, just the vapor that dissipates.

I make a point of not taking on someone else’s symptoms. That is not my job. I can wish others well and want to help them, but I am not going to say I healed them. I am just a conduit. I am just sending energy. I take nothing from them. I send them peace and blessing, but I walk away with my own peace and blessings.

I do not look for sickness. I look for energy or a frequency. But I do not monitor others. What people need they draw. If I sense someone’s need, then it is for me to send the energy to them because conscious or not on some level they are asking for it.

When I give, there is a trust that the energy will operate in the right way and the other person can accept it or not and do with it what they want. The conscious mind does not need to be so active. The energy is beautiful and it balances and nurtures just through contact with it.

I do not get worn out from giving energy. I like to think that I will never run dry. There are no limits placed on energy, but I have a busy life. I do not always have energy to give.

There is a problem though in that people like me are too giving. Things come from us and through us but we forget about ourselves. We have no inclination to acquire money. So often we only have enough to get by.

I have this need to just embrace everybody. I can give to anyone and everyone. I am not trying to be invasive or get into others’ space, but I can not help it. I have to be careful because it is not always the effect that I want. My aura can take up too much space. It is not a conscious thing, but I recognize it from time to time when I notice a person's energy changes after a bit of time.

There are times when I shut down my energy flow. I need my space and I need to keep myself centered when I am amid a group a people or I will feel totally drained. This is what happens at the café in Ala Moana Shopping Center. The seating is always so crowded. If I am with my mom or someone we sit down and all of a sudden there is no one around us. I do not pay attention, but all of a sudden they are gone. They just disappear, but then the children come right up and stare at me.

And sometimes unexpectedly a child will take a liking to me. This is rare but when they happen it feels like there is something familiar between us, but it is not from this life time.

I am aware that there is sometimes a static charge in my aura that is not right, but I do not have time to change it. And I do not want to adversely influence others. So if I am eating, I will create a bubble around myself. I just want to enjoy the moment. I am not going to waste my energy and interact subconsciously with everyone around me. I want to eat in peace.

When I say “bubble,“ I mean a protective energy. It is a “no you may not enter.” In doing this, I am asserting a universal law regarding the right of self-protection.

Creating a bubble is an imaginative action. You have to both think it and feel it for it to work. I am still there and maybe someone is following me. But he will lose his desire to do so because I just cut off my energy and it is no longer available to him.

And sometimes I just say, “I am invisible.” I do not even have to think or do anything for it to work. Because I do not want to have to deal with other people. I just move through a crowd without anyone noticing me.

Another thing I do is that sometimes I can slow time. For example, my niece was learning to walk and she was falling. I could not get to her so I made time slow down so I could catch her before she fell. And there are times when I consciously ask for time to wait for me to catch up. When I do catch up, I strive to move slowly through time, as I feel some of my energies contributed to the speed up in the first place.

I do that even with myself if I am about to fall down. I do it also when I am driving. You take hold of time so you can move slowly through time. I do not know how to stop time, but I can sometimes slow it. I can not tell you how to do it.

Time is bendable. Time is speeding up on everyone because there is so much focus on wanting the next thing when actually we are missing out on the time we could have.

If we can just hold time and space we could experience so much in a short amount of time instead of the way we are now running from one thing to the next. But I too struggle with this. It is easy to get caught up in the rapid pace of daily life. I can slow time in certain instances, but living with the right rhythm and tempo is a real challenge.

Time becomes timeless when you move with the energy flow as you feel it. What makes us old is that we forget how to just be and lose our connection to the timeless dimension. But we are always free. We just need to remind ourselves to focus on how we perceive instead of getting caught up in the drama, sensationalism, and desire to feel important.

Schedules are something I know I have to do with my conscious mind. But I can be in my sense of timelessness and still do the things that I have to do. I am in activities of a schedule, but I remain in a timeless space. At times I run on autopilot doing things by rote when I am really elsewhere in my awareness because that is something I may need.

I think we forget with men and women that it is the process that makes us. The end result is what we want to attain and that is great, but the process is what we grow from. So we never celebrate ourselves enough in the experience rather than always focusing on the goal.

When I think about relationships, my feelings are that men are like children and women are selfish. I wish women would wake up and find their own personal power and realize they do not need to be mean. And men are always striving because they need to prove themselves. Do they need coddling? Yes. But they do not need all that stuff they strive for.

I do not need a man to add something to my life. In a relationship, I just come as I am. I do not necessarily feel a need to be understood. Just accepted.

But I enjoy relationships. I realize a man can never give me the kind of empathy I can extend to him. It is kind of like what Hermione said of Ron in Harry Potter—“You have the sensitivity of a teaspoon.” That is how I see men. I am not saying that men do not have a sensitive side to them. They do. But I do not know if men have the capacity to relate to the depth of a woman’s feelings. I have not seen that.

And there is the whole concept of men feeling they need to be needed. Sometimes when they feel they have no plays or leverage on the woman they say something mean. But I recognize that as their own limitation and I say peace and blessings.

But I do go out of my way to acknowledge anything a man tries to give me, because that is what he is capable of giving. I do the same in my business. I will ask for referrals from a certain group of people. I will ask for help when I do not need it. It is playing that woman role. It makes other people feel comfortable. It is easier for them to connect to you.

I show appreciation and gratitude for the little things, for whatever the other person is giving. But what is really going on is an exchange of energy. That is what is valuable. This is often expressed through a smile, a hug, or a touch. You can not do it with words, well, not always.

I have had the experience of feeling really connected to a man. So when it suddenly ends there is a feeling of loss. But that is temporary. For me, it is like: “Oh, what is next?” because I look at it like a progression in my learning. The relationship continues but with a different person.

For me, it is about learning. You can love everybody, but that does not mean you have to be attached to them. The learning begins and ends. It is not part of this form but of the soul and the spirit.

The reason I am here is to learn, observe, and be a part of everything. Learning has to do with nature, human nature, and the spirit.

I think most people do not recognize their aliveness, the gift of life that they have now. The gift of life is the opportunities that are limitless to us--we can be what we want to be and enjoy experiences in life.

I plan things, but I have to sometimes change my schedule. If energy is not flowing the way I am planning to go I sense it. I may not even need to make a call to cancel an appointment. Things will just happen for me so that it works out for me and for the other person so that I have the space to do something I am drawn to doing, and vice versa.

People should follow their true purpose. We all need money but why do people want a certain amount of money? Why does that have to be first and foremost? Why can’t we feel our spirits and realize why we are really here?

I feel we are here to live life’s experiences in harmony and in love. Why can we not recognize our connections to each other whether it be to humans or other light beings? I am so frustrated about this. Why can we not accept everything as it is and just be harmonious? The only way we will truly prosper is if all our relationships are harmonious.

I have to be right with myself so I can keep doing what I do. That is what I want to bring to consciousness—being right within ourselves. The spirit is to the soul what the heart is to the body. Why can we not put that together? It is so simple.

If someone looked at my life it might appear very simple. I strive to be free of confusion and worry.

I sometimes tell others that I am a mermaid having a human experience. But that is not quite right. I feel I am here now and life is what it is and who knows where I am going to end up. But I am going to live my life and enjoy what comes my way. And then I will just move on to something else.

I do not feel my home is somewhere else. The same with heaven. Heaven is what you create like home is what you create. I do not feel heaven is elsewhere. I feel I am in heaven right now. Heaven is something you create for yourself with your heart and your mind.

All the same, I am quite secretive, but I do not mean to be and I think it is funny that others think I am. If I am asked a question I will answer the question. I have nothing to hide from anybody. We are all messengers. For me, what I know and remember is mine. I share what comes through me at the time, but the flow and exchange must be natural and free-flowing.

All my life people say I am mysterious. I walk in a quiet knowing. I do not need to broadcast where I am at, what I am thinking, and what I am feeling. If I come across evasive or illusive, so be it.

But I am not as isolated as someone might think. I can sense others like myself. It would be nice to meet them. I know they are there and on some level we are always connected. That is a spiritual community in my mind.

It is spiritual in that there is no building I have to go to as if it is Sunday and I have to go to church. The love we feel is everywhere in every moment and it flows sometimes with a strong current and sometimes it is a calm sea. I trust that we all have that sense of inner peace within. I pray that we find it and use it sooner than later.