Mermaids Among Us

She is so creative that she is successful even in your

world of sorrow and loss.

The Undine Queen Istiphul

The first thing I remember was seeing my sister born in the hospital. My mom was sitting on the left side of the room. The walls were salmon pink and there was a picture of a flower above the bed. Since I was in a hospital, I could smell the sickness in the air.

I knew that my sister was very special. I had this immediate protective instinct toward her. I could see this white light around her and my mom was glowing.

The nurses put my little sister in the incubator and my mom and I ate a banana. Then my dad went to push the incubator out of the room. But she was my sister so I pushed the incubator down the hall. I did not actually push it, but I was holding on to it walking and talking. I could sense how nervous my dad was, yet he was so gentle. I was two years old at the time.

I have tons of memories before going to school. For example, at my fourth birthday party I was spinning in circles in the kitchen. My dad was caught up in the magic of the moment.

But most of these memories I have blocked from remembering until just now. My dad and mom were in an abusive relationship. I remember being in the hallway. I thought my sister was in bed, but she came down the stairs. I was watching my mom and dad shoving and hitting each other.

I went into the center at the hallway and screamed at my parents to stop. They stopped for a moment and went back to fighting. I felt angry that they would yell at each other in front of my little sister. I could not understand why they could not just express love. I was four and she was two at the time.

I lived near a provincial park. There were a lot of mountains. I felt protected there even though I would get myself into crazy situations. I would go into the woods with my sister, but she was good at escaping from me and others.

When I was walking through the forest I used to see fairies all the time. I would catch glimpses, but I never met and talked to one. They were usually girls, blond, and had bright sparking eyes, blue or green. They had wings that were translucent or the color of whatever they were wearing. Sometimes they were completely naked and stars trailed behind them as they moved.

I also could see gnomes even when they were hiding behind the rocks. I could never catch one. I could not communicate with them either.

But I often talked to rocks and trees. My sister would join at times as I talked to trees. The trees always talk back when I was a kid.

Even now, if I touch a tree I can become one with it. They always whisper to me, usually through telepathy. Each tree type has a different personality. Birches are angry because we use trees for paper.

My little sister also used to see fairies. She thought she was one of them. I thought she was too.

She had a deeper connection to animals than I had. She made up her own dog language and talked to dogs with it. She loved to climb and hide out in trees.

She stayed true to herself and her intuitive knowledge. She was not willing to sacrifice the mermaid part of herself to relate to people. I stopped talking to trees until recently. I totally rejected it because I noticed others were not doing it, but I would protect her on the playground from other kids.

My escapades into nature were not always sweet and innocent. There were a lot of negative beings about as well. They found it easy to feed off of my energy. There were these things that would come and try to cut off my ears. I often slept with my ears covered and my grandma would sit on the edge of my bed and stroke my hair.

There were also different things around me when I would sleep. They would try to use scare tactics to get me to succumb to their will. Other times I remember things trying to pull me out of my body. They attached golden fibers to me to pull on. Even around age sixteen I had to do everything I could to stay in my body.

I actually only left my body twice when I was young. It started with lucid dreaming. I remember leaving my body and looking back at my body lying on the bed. It happened again when I was seventeen. But the second time was a case of night paralysis when I kept waking up, but I could not get my body to move.

Many times when I was about to get into bed something would come up from behind and shove me. The worst time I had this bruising pattern on my back, but the bruises disappeared after an hour.

Kindergarten was my first time in a social setting with work attached to it. I could make friends with anybody including the faculty. I remember that teachers would treat me as their equal. At first they tried to talk to me as a kid, but I would talk to them as their equal and then they responded to that.

Growing up I had a natural desire to want to protect kids from being picked on. I would get angry when kids did not love. I started out with the idea that not loving was an adult thing. It never occurred to me that children did not love each other. I did not understand the reasons why others my age were doing what they were doing. It would never enter my mind to imitate them. For example, they would gossip and say nasty things about others. That made no sense to me.

My mother was very religious and overbearing. Anything out of the ordinary for her was wrong. I had no way of expressing all the things happening to me. I would see sparks of energy coming off of people that indicated different emotions. There were streaks like lighting for anger and a dull blue color for sadness.

But if I ever talked about my experiences, for example, that I had seen an angel, my mother would throw a fit. She had the pastors come to the house and do a cleansing. Even though she was Pentecostal and spoke in tongues, she experienced acute anxiety over the idea of something spiritual actually manifesting.

My mother was not exactly positive. She would tell us how she had given up her career and her body for her kids. She would use us as leverage against my father. And she would feed off of me emotionally.

It was easy to be influenced by her negativity but I could also see through it. I felt deep down that everything negative eventually becomes positive. So I worked at it. I tried to turn her hate and anger into feeling calm and peaceful. With her, this was not easy. She never even told us when her birthday was.

My mother had me see counselors as part of the divorce process. She wanted to put my father in a bad light. I refused to talk about myself with the different therapists. But I listened. I even ended up counseling them. This was age eight to eleven.

I have this life-long problem. I exude love and affection. It is not just my body language and emotional response to others. It is not about my being open and receptive so that at a glance others know I will respond to them. When I enter a room, my aura automatically fills the room with energy so that others feel charged up by my presence. Giving is my nature. All the same, there is meant to be a balance, a giving and a receiving. Water is that way--it is always flowing. People, however, take. They rarely know how to give back.

Especially around age fifteen to seventeen, I was like a free lunch. Want to feel better, happier, and free of your worries? Just come over near me and draw on my aura. There were individuals who were like psychic vampires and I did not know how to shield myself. Even at church, there were people who would suck the life out of me. I felt very uncomfortable around them.

A lot of these people did not do this consciously. Even in class at school the other students would draw upon my energy. I remember beings so tired. But I could recharge myself very quickly.

I have begun imagining a bubble around myself that protects me from others. Before this, though, even riding a bus, some guy high on crack and completely out of it would notice me. The bus would be full of people and he would be sitting there completely wrapped up in his own world. But for him it was like there were only the two of us on the bus. I became his next fix. I had to jump off the bus at the next stop just before the doors closed because he was already walking toward me and obviously planning to follow me. I saw him staring at me through the windows in the door as the bus drove off.

Even walking down the street there have been times when some stranger will see me and follow me home. I would lose sight of the guy but when I went into my apartment building, there he would be on the other side of the street watching. I was a magnet and these individuals were like iron filings—their attention was suddenly caught and bound by the field of energy around me.

From age twelve to sixteen I was not allowed to date. My mother was very strict and kept track of where I went and when I would be back. But activities at school were okay. So I started studying drama and music.

I found it very easy to play different instruments. And drama was especially helpful. In drama, the characters’ actions are determined by ideas in their heads and the roles the play sets before them. This was a new concept for me—that people have to look into the mirror of others’ reactions and expectations in order to understand their own feelings.

For me, that is doing things backwards. The external world does not determine what I feel. My feelings always have greater depth and beauty than what is going on around me.

All the same, when I was thirteen I was taking some medication for my skin. It had terrible side effects. That was one of the worst years of my life. Plus I moved in with my grandma and my alcoholic grandfather.

I first started healing others when I was sixteen and in the marching band. I had one friend who injured his knee. I put my hands on it and took the pain away. I also started massaging others in a way that took away their head or muscle aches.

Though my mother gained sole custody of her children, I realized later on that my father tried to do everything he could to insure that his children were happy. But he has his limits. With my younger sister, I can talk about anything and she accepts it. With my father, I cannot talk about anything weird or psychic.

It is a shame that he is not more open. Otherwise I am sure we could have a completely telepathic connection. We take on each other’s problems. When he and I are together we have a constant exchange of energy. There is a joining of forces that is protective. But I am still his daughter, his baby basically.

At other times, I act as his counselor and confidant. I admire and understand him like nobody else and he does the same for me. Deep down, I think I have grown into something he has always wanted to be.

I have yet to meet someone who is like me. I have, however, met a man who is extremely empathic. It is his nature to flow love to others. His love is like an ocean. There is no end to it.

He has helped me a great deal in learning how to protect myself. He has researched Western magical traditions and has shown me some rituals that are useful for stopping unwanted influences.

But he is a man. Being in a male body, he has to carve out his own identity which he is struggling to do. I do not need to be with a person to fully experience and celebrate love. He needs to be physically with someone, not necessarily in a sexual sense, but he needs to be able to touch to solidify the connection.

If it was not so painful to watch, it would almost be humorous the way he keeps trying to love human women. These women do not have a clue as to how to love him back. They sense this ocean of love flowing through them from him, but that is not what they need. They need to feel safe, secure, grounded, and wanted. He, however, just flows love. There are no conditions on it and it is not designed to possess or to be possessed. There comes a time in his relationships when the women can no longer relate to him. They are offended that he is not dependent on them.

He is not a rock star or a celebrity. He has no fame or wealth. But it is clear he is not like other men. Every day when he works as a bouncer at a disco a woman he has never met will walk up to him out of the blue and offer to sleep with him. Like me, he exudes energy. He does not yet realize that his energy causes women to behave in ways they themselves do not understand.

Part of the problem both he and I have is that within our souls we are pure love. But being in a human body and thinking with a human brain triggers reactions that are out of sync with who we are inside. I need to continually work on myself so that I can be completely nurturing, unbiased, and able to love unconditionally to my full capacity. At my core, I already am those things, but my human form interferes with their expression.

I now heal from a distance when I have the extra energy. I can do it with anybody. I have learned to give without exhausting myself. And I can feel others’ feelings now without pouring myself into the other person.

I do not heal in order to impress anyone. In this life, I am not here to specialize in healing. I heal because it feels good to do so. In my college classes, I will heal another student about twice a week.

Recently, I had to go find my friend who cut herself by accident and take her the hospital. She called me and was hysterical and then hung up. I had no idea where she lived.

I hopped a taxi and pointed to a spot on the map and found her building. I went in and found the right floor and apartment and there she was. I was guided by pure intuition.

I sometimes know where things are. I do not find lost things for myself. But I can find them for others.

When I do experience anger, sometimes small objects around me will begin to move. It is a subconscious thing. When I was young, one time I worked at it and found I could move objects really well. I could pass my hand over a pencil for example and get it to move back and forth. I was not aware at the time that there was anything special about doing this.

But since then it has been hit and miss. I have to work at it for an hour or two to make it happen by using my will. It takes concentration. Other than my sister who has seen me moving things, I have only told one of my friends about this.

There have been a few times when, in order to protect myself, I have knocked someone down just using my mind. It is easier to do if the other person is sensitive. I need either eye contact or a brief touch. The power comes from universal energy which I summon.

I had this friend who was constantly chain smoking. To be fair, I think he was doing it just because his friends were smoking. I argued with him a great deal about quitting, but he would not quit.

So I imagined I was inside of him and that whenever he went to reach for a cigarette he would think to himself, “I don’t want that” and then I visualized him putting the cigarette down. Two weeks later when I saw him again, he had stopped smoking. He did reach for a cigarette once but he put it down right away without my saying anything about it.

I draw life force from water. I like to be around large bodies of water but I can manage with a river. I use watery energy to heal others. If someone sends me fiery energy to heal me like when I cut my foot, I do not even feel it. Another person may point out that I am suddenly all hot and radiant with fiery energy, but I do sense it. I am more attuned to love that flows like water.

The nature of my empathy is like what I do with trees—I can be completely one with another person. This is natural for me to do. When water is poured into a glass, it perfectly fits the container and does not hold back. That is the way my feelings join with another. But for the relation to be two ways, the other person has to be able to respond with the same freedom and depth.

I have had several deep relationships but there still remain large parts of myself that are open and ready to receive that no one has as of yet been able to fill. Add to this the fact that I do not need to actually be physically with someone to feel the full power of the love connection. The other person can be anywhere on earth and it does not make a difference to me. I have not yet found a man with this capacity.

Do not get me wrong. I love sex. But for me love and sex are not bound together. Sex is a natural bodily function. Love is of the heart—it is a soul to soul connection. Love does not require physical consummation in order to be fully expressed. Love is what I am.

I recall past lives in short snippets, brief images. When they come, they are intense and I know right away whether they are true or not. I have not had any of these visions for the last four months.

In this life, I have always felt that I am about thirty five years old regardless of the age of my body, whether I am a child, a teenager, or older. I mentioned that the teachers used to treat me as an adult even in kindergarten. Even though I am twenty years old now, there is one person who says that I talk like his grandmother—I bring a life time of experience to our conversation.

I feel I have always been the same person in each incarnation. I think if I went back and met myself it would be me. It is the lesson to be learned in each life that is different.

The first incarnation I recall was as a young girl in Atlantis. I was in a temple in the shape of a dome with an altar at the center. There were drums and dancing. I remember there was water all around.

That time I did not live long. We understood that Atlantis was coming to an end, that it was the end of an age. The change was inevitable, sad, and yet we were ready to face the future with great courage. Many of us felt detached. Though our lives were about to end, spiritually speaking we were ready to pack up and move on.

In all the past lives I recall, I never found a male who had the faintest clue as to who I was or how to love me. I just dealt with that. But times are different from now. The freedom and choice we have now are very different.

If I reflect on who and what I am, I feel I can function and integrate myself into human society to an amazing degree. I can also control my body to a greater extent than other people can control their bodies. Yet my body is like a glove I am wearing. The brain that comes with it I can enhance in certain ways. In other ways, the impulses of the nervous system and the thought processes are not always useful to me. With an effort, I can ignore them and find other ways to perceive and feel.

I am here in almost perfect disguise. My social skills are greater than what most people possess. I respond well to situations, to individuals, and groups. And I make a point of connecting to people who are my opposite—they are fiery, powerful, and driven by purpose. In this way, I find balance and I learn from our differences.

I can get inside absolutely anyone’s mind so I can relate to anyone. But that means I have to also conceal what I sense. There are things about many people that even they cannot deal with.

Someone said I am like a whirlwind of social interaction and personal engagement. That is true. But the more I focus outward on society, the more I have to sacrifice the otherworldly part of myself.

I often feel like an observer of human reality. I am in the middle of social activities, yet I am removed. There are ways in which I am human and there are ways in which I am not.

The only real reason I would ask why I am here is because that is what other people do. For me, I am content to just be here and experience as much as I can. There is so much lacking in the world at this time. It seems there is not a reason but rather a force that is present which seeks to express itself through me. This force is not external, out in the world but something inside of me.

A friend wrote this poem for me. Those who know me well say it accurately describes who I am.

I am water

I am what I was before

I have only changed the outer form

I am water

I am more now than heartbeat or breath

My secret dreams, my innermost needs?

I am raging and daring and craving—

The essence of love that has no end

My secret name is desire set aflame:

I ask you,

Where does the sun burn so bright

As when its passion unites with ice?

The haunted soul with its abandoned love

Frozen and cold?

I go where others can not

I am the sparks that arc illuminating

The darkest chambers of the heart

My songs are citrine, violet, vermillion, and lilac

By what authority do I claim what is lost?

Have you never seen me dancing naked?

Dazzling his rays ravish me

In the curves and crests

Golden his caress finds me, binds me

In a billion waves

His ecstasy sets me free

I am water

I am what I shall be

I am the sea

With its endless dream

Of being one and of being free